~ Chinese Proverb
As you can tell from the last post to this one, I have an app for my iPod that is inspiring quotes. I saved some of my favorites that I felt like I related to and will be continuing to post about them (hopefully. my track record with consistent blogging is not that great).
So I feel a little bit better about the whole postdoc thing after talking with my adviser. I have resolved to try and work on putting it out of my mind if I can until I actually have to make a decision. Easier said than done though.
The reason why this particular quote caught my attention is that this is something that I really need to remember. I have been struggling with a lot lately, how I feel about myself, how I take care of myself, where my life is, etc. I recognized that I needed to make a change in my life, a permanent change, and I started working on how I take care of myself over a year ago. I was successful for a while but then I hit the major road block of depression and stress. I have been sort of stalled on losing weight, getting healthy and getting active. The hard thing about that (especially for someone who has always struggled with these things) is that I want everything to fall into place right now. I get very impatient with myself. I also end being very hard on myself if I am not making the kind of progress that I think that I need to be making. So, that is why that quote really meant something to me. Instead of being so fixated on how quickly my weight loss is progressing and being mad at myself when I stumble, I should be focused on the fact that I am actually doing something about it. I should be celebrating that I am moving forward with it instead of "standing still."
I have always been someone who has trouble celebrating my small achievements, or I should say what seem like small achievements. I judge myself to a really high standard, which is very unfair to myself. I need to remember that I am doing the best that I can in the current moment. It would be so easy to say that because I have so much going on right now, I don't even need to worry about it. That is the excuse I have always used and in the past I have always failed to see what I was really doing. What I was doing is putting myself last. I don't know if subconsciously I thought I didn't deserve to put myself first or what but I do recognize now that is what I do and I know it needs to stop. I mean, lets face it, I did not choose an easy career path and anyone who thinks being in research is easy must be high. It will always be stressful and it will always be hard. But I do it because I love it. I just need to make sure that I love me too. I need to find healthier ways to deal with my stress and to infuse more joy into my life. So, I am going to work on celebrating the small things and recognize that they actually aren't that small at all. They mean so much more than that.
The other side of all of this is how I think about myself and how I treat myself. I have always felt that I need to be someone who "has it together" and it just has never felt that way. This causes me to feel bad about myself and then I allow my life to become chaotic and I feel more bad about myself and vicious cycle ensues. This is another area of my life that I need to realize that I am doing the best that I can in my current situation. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. If my apartment is not picked up and clean, it is not the end of the world. It does not make me lazy, it does not make me a bad person. It means that I am busy right now and that if I have a choice between taking some time to unwind from my week or clean, I need to unwind. I have to allow myself to take some time to mentally recharge each week. I am the only one living in my apartment so it is ok to let it go. Well, to let it go for now. I definitely don't want things to get ridiculous like they have in the past where it looks like a tornado went through my apartment :) Some of that though is just that I have too much stuff. I realize this and I am starting to try and declutter my life (but that is a subject for another time).
So, I resolve to try and be nicer to myself and to accept progress, no matter how small, should be celebrated. At least it means I am trying.
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