You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

" You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

~Buddha

This is a sentiment that I have trouble remembering sometimes. Today was a really good example of this. I had a very frustrating day. I spent 2 hours fighting with the scanner in lab trying to get it to work so I could use it and then analyze my data. After yelling at the scanner and cursing HP and swearing I will never again purchase a HP product I finally got it to work. I then spent several hours after that dealing with scheduling and planning this dinner for prospective grad students. I won't even be here when they start. I kind of got roped into this and it has been nothing but stressful. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I kind of broke down a little bit. I am starting to buckle under the stress. He asked what kinds of things were going on and when I told him he said that I need to start standing up for myself and start asking for what I need. My therapist has said the same thing, especially about setting boundaries. I cannot be everything to everyone and still have time left over for me. I need to remember that and remember that it is ok to say no. I need to stop getting roped into participating in things that take time away from me finishing my research and writing my papers and dissertation. It is hard because I have always been expected to participate in these things, even when it feels like some of my fellow labmates have gotten a pass. I have hit a point where I am actually afraid that I may not get everything done and I don't want to end up working 14-16 hr days to make it happen. That is not healthy for me.

There is the idea that something has to give but usually it is the things that are good for me like sleep and exercise and things that make me happy. So I need to remember that I deserve my love and attention as much as my work and as much as the other people in my life. I took a step towards that today by working out my frustration by going for a walk. My frustration at the day was gone by the end of my walk and I felt great about myself because I walked 2.44 miles in about 40 min. It is kind of funny that the motivation I finally needed to exercise was feeling upset, frustrated and a little out of control. I just need to remember how I feel right now. I feel good and I feel relaxed. This is how I need to feel at the end of my day. So I need to remember to put myself first, to set boundaries, to ask for what I need and to take care of myself.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

~ Chinese Proverb

As you can tell from the last post to this one, I have an app for my iPod that is inspiring quotes. I saved some of my favorites that I felt like I related to and will be continuing to post about them (hopefully. my track record with consistent blogging is not that great).

So I feel a little bit better about the whole postdoc thing after talking with my adviser. I have resolved to try and work on putting it out of my mind if I can until I actually have to make a decision. Easier said than done though.

The reason why this particular quote caught my attention is that this is something that I really need to remember. I have been struggling with a lot lately, how I feel about myself, how I take care of myself, where my life is, etc. I recognized that I needed to make a change in my life, a permanent change, and I started working on how I take care of myself over a year ago. I was successful for a while but then I hit the major road block of depression and stress. I have been sort of stalled on losing weight, getting healthy and getting active. The hard thing about that (especially for someone who has always struggled with these things) is that I want everything to fall into place right now. I get very impatient with myself. I also end being very hard on myself if I am not making the kind of progress that I think that I need to be making. So, that is why that quote really meant something to me. Instead of being so fixated on how quickly my weight loss is progressing and being mad at myself when I stumble, I should be focused on the fact that I am actually doing something about it. I should be celebrating that I am moving forward with it instead of "standing still."

I have always been someone who has trouble celebrating my small achievements, or I should say what seem like small achievements. I judge myself to a really high standard, which is very unfair to myself. I need to remember that I am doing the best that I can in the current moment. It would be so easy to say that because I have so much going on right now, I don't even need to worry about it. That is the excuse I have always used and in the past I have always failed to see what I was really doing. What I was doing is putting myself last. I don't know if subconsciously I thought I didn't deserve to put myself first or what but I do recognize now that is what I do and I know it needs to stop. I mean, lets face it, I did not choose an easy career path and anyone who thinks being in research is easy must be high. It will always be stressful and it will always be hard. But I do it because I love it. I just need to make sure that I love me too. I need to find healthier ways to deal with my stress and to infuse more joy into my life. So, I am going to work on celebrating the small things and recognize that they actually aren't that small at all. They mean so much more than that.

The other side of all of this is how I think about myself and how I treat myself. I have always felt that I need to be someone who "has it together" and it just has never felt that way. This causes me to feel bad about myself and then I allow my life to become chaotic and I feel more bad about myself and vicious cycle ensues. This is another area of my life that I need to realize that I am doing the best that I can in my current situation. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. If my apartment is not picked up and clean, it is not the end of the world. It does not make me lazy, it does not make me a bad person. It means that I am busy right now and that if I have a choice between taking some time to unwind from my week or clean, I need to unwind. I have to allow myself to take some time to mentally recharge each week. I am the only one living in my apartment so it is ok to let it go. Well, to let it go for now. I definitely don't want things to get ridiculous like they have in the past where it looks like a tornado went through my apartment :) Some of that though is just that I have too much stuff. I realize this and I am starting to try and declutter my life (but that is a subject for another time).

So, I resolve to try and be nicer to myself and to accept progress, no matter how small, should be celebrated. At least it means I am trying.

Choice, not circumstances, determines your success

"Choice, not circumstances, determines your success" - author unknown

That is definitely something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I am currently looking for my next position, a postdoctoral fellowship, and it is STRESSFUL. Everyone tells you that who you choose as your postdoctoral mentor is critical, that they can make or break your career. On top of that, the state of the economy is making funding harder to come by which means fewer positions. I have been lucky so far that I have been receiving very positive feedback from very successful scientists even if they do not have a position for me. I have also captured the attention of at least 4 individuals who have money. However . . . .

sometimes I lay awake wondering if I have contacted the right people, if the people I have contacted are going to be the right choice. Am I making the right choice?

It all comes down to that. This is such a scary decision. Exciting but scary. Not only does this necessitate a move to another state (which is stressful on its own) but to acclimate to a new lab, new research, new PI and then deal with the consequences on my decision. I want so much to be successful and feel very strongly that each individual need to take control of their own career, but I want to make sure that I am not going to hinder myself or make it any harder on myself.

I know that everyone says to not worry and that everything will work out. To that: choice, not circumstance, determines your success. So I will be as successful as I choose to be. But I still am taking a big risk if I go into a newer unproven lab. I am not someone that usually takes a risk so the idea that I may take a risk that does have me anxious. Now, I haven't been offered a position officially anywhere yet but I am making sure that if I am going to go for a campus visit that I am seriously considering going there.

So, worry, worry, worry. That seems to be my life lately. I won't even get into finishing my research and my dissertation in time. That will be the subject of a different post.

Anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know what has been going on lately. I know that I have been saying that I am stressed but that is such a general term for what I am feeling. Sometimes it is pure fear. So, I know I am rambling and bouncing from idea to idea, but there is nothing I can do now but wait and prepare for my official interviews as best I can. Wish me luck!