I initially started this blog as a way to chronicle my attempt at losing weight and changing my life but as those of you who know me already know, I have not been very successful (at blogging or weight loss). I have always understood that I would never be successful at losing weight if I did not change my lifestyle but changing my life has always been incredibly hard for me. So, instead of using this blog to chronicle my weight loss attempts, I am just going to write about my life. I am not sure who might find it all that interesting but writing this blog is a purely selfish endeavor. I am writing because it helps me when I write about the things going on in my life. I also thinks it helps me gain some perspective. So, my goal is to actually write more often (I know at least my mom will appreciate that). So, here it goes (warning, this is going to be long).
I will admit right now that I have been really moody and melancholy lately (those that know me in Dallas can attest to that). I have been unhappy for quite awhile now and I have been floundering. I do not like the person that I become when I get like this. It is almost as if I am attempting to truly become the worst version of myself. It is pathetic and I don't like it. I saw somewhere this flow diagram:
It was another blog, and he said that it is that easy. I agree. I also think it is that hard. It sounds like the simplest thing to change the things that make you unhappy. Now, the problem is more or less me. Anyone who knows me knows I abhor change. I really get snippity and drag my feet when it comes to making changes. Then after I make those changes I worry and worry about whether I have made the right decision. My other problem is that I am a starter and not a finisher. It has been that way all my life. I wish that by now I knew some easy way to change that or that I had the strength of character to resist the urge to give up but it is what it is. I struggle with that character flaw in both my personal and work life. I think that most of the problems right now for me boil down to that oh so simple problem. I need to just finish something. True, I finished my undergrad, but it took me an extra year to do it. I will finish grad school, but it will take an extra year to do that too. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to start losing weight.
The biggest thing for me, I think, is to stop making excuses and face the fact that my inability to finish anything is entirely my fault alone. I keep making poor choices and having to live with those commitments and choices. Now, I am a fairly smart woman, or I would at least say that I am not dumb, but I do not learn quickly from all of my mistakes. I think that everyone learns from the big mistakes that they make in life, but there are those small mistakes that just keep adding up until one day you take stock and think "How exactly did I get here?" The problem is that my inability to learn from those smaller mistakes that pile up is not exactly a rational thing. Rationally, I know what I need to change but there is a part of me that just resists it every step of the way. I really am engaged in a fight against myself.
Now I really place no stock in astrology but I am a Gemini and I think the description of that is apt for me, twin personalities. There is a lot of my personality that could be described that way. For example, I love to be around people. I love hanging out with a good group of people but at the same time I am a very solitary person. I require quite a bit of me time. In fact, I have become kind of anti-social. At the end of the day I am so tired that I don't feel like having to make small talk with a bunch of strangers so I often turn down invitations for plans. I have been withdrawing into myself an awful lot lately. I am not so sure I like being left alone with myself.
Now, this is already becoming a very lengthy entry but I am going to keep going. I haven't written in a long time so why not? Now, due to my melancholy state I have been getting really sloppy with work and forgetful with EVERYTHING! (I do wish to say here though, that if for some reason I do not contact you on your birthday, I am sorry, that is actually more or less a problem of never knowing what date it is, and that is a consequence of grad school. I will try to be better though I wish I had a personal assistant) The problem is that I am in a vicious circle with work right now. I am experience a little bit of the "burn-out" that everyone experiences from time to time which results in slower and lower quality work, which stresses me out more, which results in more of the "burn-out" and keep repeating. I need to break the cycle but it is tough when there are deadlines after deadlines. I am also a workaholic. I work and work and work but I need to stop. This leads me to my other big problem. I care too much about what other people think and I unfortunately need other people to like me. That leads me to become a really big people pleaser. It is really easy to guilt me into things and I often find myself volunteering to do things which I have NO time for. In lab, whenever my advisor asks if I can do something, I always say yes. Always. Immediately. I do not stop and think about whether or not I have time and when I do I usually rationalize the time by thinking well I can work 14 to 16 hour days for 2 weeks. I tend to forget that I usually already schedule myself about 10 to 12 hours worth of work a day.
So, with all of that out there, my goal is to start saying no. I am also going to try and do things that I enjoy. The weather in Texas right now is great. It will stay this way for about a month before it gets hellishly hot. I want to spend as much time outdoors instead of locked up in lab or in my apartment hiding from the world.
So, that will be the end to this somewhat depressing post. I do not plan to do many of these. I want to use this forum to help me focus on the things that make me happy. Positive reinforcement is always better for the psyche than self-flagellation. In fact, I am going to post another entry today with a more positive twist and a little more along the lines of what I am going to focus on from now on.
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