"No matter where you go - there you are" - Confucius

"No matter where you go - there you are" - Confucius

This is a quote I heard a while back but I think it definitely holds true for me. I think when I moved to Dallas I had really hoped that being in this new location would change things for me. However, the problem is that no matter where you go - there you are. If I don't change myself my situations will never change. That is something that I am a little more realistic about since moving to Milwaukee. I have already ended up in situations where I am doing too much for other people but I know that at least that situation was temporary and pretty much unavoidable. The benefit of moving to a lab where no one really knows you is that they don't try to take advantage. They don't know yet that I have trouble saying no and setting boundaries. However, this experience over the last couple of weeks is enough for me to know that I do not want to and cannot repeat it. This though starts with me. I need to not volunteer to take care of things I don't have time for and I need to say no when I am able to (sometimes I will be in situations like this again because like this instance, it is unavoidable).

I may not have talked to everyone since I have moved but I am settling in to Milwaukee. I have to say that the move was a little tough. I forgot how scary it is when you move to a new city and know literally no one. This is a really hard thing to do on your own. I think the experience has made me stronger though. I am better at being on my own now. I have also tried to push myself outside of my comfort zone with doing a few events with meetup groups. I really like the city and I can already tell that I am going to like living here. However, that sentiment may change after I experience my first midwest winter :)

Though I know that I need to make changes in my life to take better care of myself I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself for all of those changes to occur immediately. One thing that I have been able to accomplish is getting to work earlier. Anyone who knows me knows that I am NOT a morning person. However my experiment HAS to start at 8 am which means I need to be in lab at least a little before 8. I have mostly been able to accomplish that. This is pretty big because this is something that I struggled with when I was in Dallas, especially in the last year. Now if I can get myself to bed earlier the morning thing won't be so hard, haha. The great thing is that I am able to leave lab by 6 almost every day and I don't need to work weekends usually. I am working this weekend but I am trying to get some stuff done before my mom comes for a visit.

So I am trying to change things little by little. I sort of stalled for a little bit for the last several weeks but I am trying to let myself off the hook for that. There was a lot going on at that time and I did the best I could in that moment. The next thing I need to focus on is getting enough sleep. I know that is a big problem right now and I can tell that the lack of sleep is starting to affect me at work. I have started a 4 week program to better sleep and am committed to trying to see that through.

I at least see the things that I am doing now here as a continuation of the changes I was trying to implement when I was in Dallas because no matter where you go, there you are.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

" You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

~Buddha

This is a sentiment that I have trouble remembering sometimes. Today was a really good example of this. I had a very frustrating day. I spent 2 hours fighting with the scanner in lab trying to get it to work so I could use it and then analyze my data. After yelling at the scanner and cursing HP and swearing I will never again purchase a HP product I finally got it to work. I then spent several hours after that dealing with scheduling and planning this dinner for prospective grad students. I won't even be here when they start. I kind of got roped into this and it has been nothing but stressful. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I kind of broke down a little bit. I am starting to buckle under the stress. He asked what kinds of things were going on and when I told him he said that I need to start standing up for myself and start asking for what I need. My therapist has said the same thing, especially about setting boundaries. I cannot be everything to everyone and still have time left over for me. I need to remember that and remember that it is ok to say no. I need to stop getting roped into participating in things that take time away from me finishing my research and writing my papers and dissertation. It is hard because I have always been expected to participate in these things, even when it feels like some of my fellow labmates have gotten a pass. I have hit a point where I am actually afraid that I may not get everything done and I don't want to end up working 14-16 hr days to make it happen. That is not healthy for me.

There is the idea that something has to give but usually it is the things that are good for me like sleep and exercise and things that make me happy. So I need to remember that I deserve my love and attention as much as my work and as much as the other people in my life. I took a step towards that today by working out my frustration by going for a walk. My frustration at the day was gone by the end of my walk and I felt great about myself because I walked 2.44 miles in about 40 min. It is kind of funny that the motivation I finally needed to exercise was feeling upset, frustrated and a little out of control. I just need to remember how I feel right now. I feel good and I feel relaxed. This is how I need to feel at the end of my day. So I need to remember to put myself first, to set boundaries, to ask for what I need and to take care of myself.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

~ Chinese Proverb

As you can tell from the last post to this one, I have an app for my iPod that is inspiring quotes. I saved some of my favorites that I felt like I related to and will be continuing to post about them (hopefully. my track record with consistent blogging is not that great).

So I feel a little bit better about the whole postdoc thing after talking with my adviser. I have resolved to try and work on putting it out of my mind if I can until I actually have to make a decision. Easier said than done though.

The reason why this particular quote caught my attention is that this is something that I really need to remember. I have been struggling with a lot lately, how I feel about myself, how I take care of myself, where my life is, etc. I recognized that I needed to make a change in my life, a permanent change, and I started working on how I take care of myself over a year ago. I was successful for a while but then I hit the major road block of depression and stress. I have been sort of stalled on losing weight, getting healthy and getting active. The hard thing about that (especially for someone who has always struggled with these things) is that I want everything to fall into place right now. I get very impatient with myself. I also end being very hard on myself if I am not making the kind of progress that I think that I need to be making. So, that is why that quote really meant something to me. Instead of being so fixated on how quickly my weight loss is progressing and being mad at myself when I stumble, I should be focused on the fact that I am actually doing something about it. I should be celebrating that I am moving forward with it instead of "standing still."

I have always been someone who has trouble celebrating my small achievements, or I should say what seem like small achievements. I judge myself to a really high standard, which is very unfair to myself. I need to remember that I am doing the best that I can in the current moment. It would be so easy to say that because I have so much going on right now, I don't even need to worry about it. That is the excuse I have always used and in the past I have always failed to see what I was really doing. What I was doing is putting myself last. I don't know if subconsciously I thought I didn't deserve to put myself first or what but I do recognize now that is what I do and I know it needs to stop. I mean, lets face it, I did not choose an easy career path and anyone who thinks being in research is easy must be high. It will always be stressful and it will always be hard. But I do it because I love it. I just need to make sure that I love me too. I need to find healthier ways to deal with my stress and to infuse more joy into my life. So, I am going to work on celebrating the small things and recognize that they actually aren't that small at all. They mean so much more than that.

The other side of all of this is how I think about myself and how I treat myself. I have always felt that I need to be someone who "has it together" and it just has never felt that way. This causes me to feel bad about myself and then I allow my life to become chaotic and I feel more bad about myself and vicious cycle ensues. This is another area of my life that I need to realize that I am doing the best that I can in my current situation. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. If my apartment is not picked up and clean, it is not the end of the world. It does not make me lazy, it does not make me a bad person. It means that I am busy right now and that if I have a choice between taking some time to unwind from my week or clean, I need to unwind. I have to allow myself to take some time to mentally recharge each week. I am the only one living in my apartment so it is ok to let it go. Well, to let it go for now. I definitely don't want things to get ridiculous like they have in the past where it looks like a tornado went through my apartment :) Some of that though is just that I have too much stuff. I realize this and I am starting to try and declutter my life (but that is a subject for another time).

So, I resolve to try and be nicer to myself and to accept progress, no matter how small, should be celebrated. At least it means I am trying.

Choice, not circumstances, determines your success

"Choice, not circumstances, determines your success" - author unknown

That is definitely something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I am currently looking for my next position, a postdoctoral fellowship, and it is STRESSFUL. Everyone tells you that who you choose as your postdoctoral mentor is critical, that they can make or break your career. On top of that, the state of the economy is making funding harder to come by which means fewer positions. I have been lucky so far that I have been receiving very positive feedback from very successful scientists even if they do not have a position for me. I have also captured the attention of at least 4 individuals who have money. However . . . .

sometimes I lay awake wondering if I have contacted the right people, if the people I have contacted are going to be the right choice. Am I making the right choice?

It all comes down to that. This is such a scary decision. Exciting but scary. Not only does this necessitate a move to another state (which is stressful on its own) but to acclimate to a new lab, new research, new PI and then deal with the consequences on my decision. I want so much to be successful and feel very strongly that each individual need to take control of their own career, but I want to make sure that I am not going to hinder myself or make it any harder on myself.

I know that everyone says to not worry and that everything will work out. To that: choice, not circumstance, determines your success. So I will be as successful as I choose to be. But I still am taking a big risk if I go into a newer unproven lab. I am not someone that usually takes a risk so the idea that I may take a risk that does have me anxious. Now, I haven't been offered a position officially anywhere yet but I am making sure that if I am going to go for a campus visit that I am seriously considering going there.

So, worry, worry, worry. That seems to be my life lately. I won't even get into finishing my research and my dissertation in time. That will be the subject of a different post.

Anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know what has been going on lately. I know that I have been saying that I am stressed but that is such a general term for what I am feeling. Sometimes it is pure fear. So, I know I am rambling and bouncing from idea to idea, but there is nothing I can do now but wait and prepare for my official interviews as best I can. Wish me luck!

Feeling Blue

I really am not very good at keeping this blog up. However, it is finally going on my to-do list every day so hopefully I will update more frequently than 2-4 times a year. As far as my weight loss has been going, it has pretty much been stalled since last December. I keep gaining and losing the same 5 pounds. I know what it is that I am and am not doing that is causing me to be doing that. What I have finally come to realize though is that the weight loss issues are part of a larger issue that has been a problem since last November. I have been struggling with depression, the severity of which has been pretty variable. I have found over the last 8 months that there were times when it was easier to deal with on my own and other times when it felt downright debilitating. I had several weeks where all I was really able to do is get myself into lab, get some work done (though the amount was not great) and get home. About 1.5 months ago I finally went to my school's counseling center and got help. I am not seeing a therapist once a week and am on anti-depressants. I think it is too early to tell how effective this treatment is at this point but I have noticed some positive changes.

So, the reason that I am sharing this right now is because I feel like the more I tell people about it, the less it will feel like a personal failure. I waited so long to seek help because I felt like I should have been able to handle this on my own. Now, I am a neuroscience grad student and I understand that this is something that a good amount of the population deals with. I also understand that there is a neurological contribution that has nothing to do with personal failure. While I understand all of this rationally, whenever I thought about what it is that I was and was not doing, I felt like I was weak and defective somehow. I had lost most of ability to effectively cope with stress and responded by shutting down. It was hard to find motivation to come in and work which lead to a severe decrease in productivity in lab. I started suffering from insomnia, sometimes feeling like if I stayed up late enough I could put off the next day a little longer or sometimes when my head hit the pillow, my mind started to race. I have been doing a lot of negative self-talk. All of this leads to a vicious cycle where I have a hard time getting things done that need to get done, which makes me feel like a failure, which then leads to a harder time to get things done.

I did not talk about this with a lot of people when it was happening. In fact I think only 2 people maybe knew and they did not know everything. I felt like I needed to hide it, that I needed to just find a way to claw my way out of this on my own. I think I also thought that people might see me differently and not in a positive way. So I am hoping that by sharing something like this, that is so personal, and has made me feel so bad about myself, will help me to accept what is happening as something that is not a personal failure but something that a lot of people struggle with. So many people struggle silently, I think maybe feeling the same way I did about it. Since sharing this with some of the people in my life, I have found out that they too are struggling and that they understand how I feel. I am going to blog some more later specifically what has been going on and how I am doing now, but I think I am ok. And I think that by tackling this and acknowledging this as a problem, I can finally work on it and make the changes in my life that I need to make in order to finally become comfortable with who I am. Something a therapist said during my intake session, was in response to me saying that I was finally coming in because I finally accepted that I could not manage this on my own anymore, and she asked me why I thought I had to do it alone at all. I really had no answer for that. So this is me, not doing this alone.

Filter oh filter where are you?

So I am going to try and post as close to once a day as possible to get in the habit again so here we go. Something that I have been thinking about a lot lately is my big mouth. I have a nasty habit of thinking something and then saying it without thinking about whether or not that was a thought that really needed to be shared with anyone else really. It is not that I have no filter, I have been able to keep my mouth shut when I have really wanted to say something, but I have a very teeny tiny filter apparently. When I am around my friends I am not that worried about the lack of filter because those who know me know about it and accept it (at least I think so). In my personal life the lack of a filter is problematic for me because though I like to think of myself as generally a nice person, I do occasionally have mean and judgmental thoughts. Now I know that no one is perfect and I am sure that everyone has mean and judgmental thoughts from time to time but most people are able to keep those thoughts tucked safely inside their head. I can and do but there are plenty of times in which I do not keep them to myself. This often flares up when someone has pissed me off. I usually regret what I have thought and (sometimes) said when I have cooled down and am thinking with a more rational mind. Now I am not so bad as to start in on the person that has pissed me off, rather I go and find a friend and vent (and thank you to all my friends who allow me to vent, it helps a lot). My friends are very indulgent with me (and patient) but my problem is that I often do not think about where I am having these conversations. Thankfully, I have not been so stupid as to vent to a friend when the subject of my venting is nearby but I have been close before.

I know that there is no one on this earth who has a burning desire to hear my every thought and even my friends have their limits. So my question is, how do I put a filter in place? It has gotten better over the years but I have struggled with this an awful lot. I have tried in the past and ended up getting quiet and not speaking much (yes, that has actually happened for those of you would not believe me). I have found over the years that I quite paradoxical at times. I am a very cautious person in some respects, i.e. making big changes in my life, allowing myself to trust another person, etc. but am incredibly impulsive in other areas of my life. I am trying hard to find a greater middle ground. I want to not play everything so safe all the time but also reign in my impulsive behavior too. I am hoping that knowing I have this issue will help me tackle the problem. I am definitely aware of a majority of my faults, I have often said that I do righteous indignation like no other. Thankfully, these thoughts and spouts of annoyance and anger are very short-lived and are likely a by-product of an incredibly busy and stressful lifestyle.

My research advisor once termed this issue "verbal diarrhea" which is quite apt. At least she was referring to when we have lab meeting or are talking about research. I definitely have no filter there. This works for me because sometimes I have really great ideas (if I say so myself) and I get those out there, at the same time though every stupid thought is out there as well. This is something that I think a lot about lately as I am approaching the next stage of my career. My current advisor is also very indulgent with me and does seem to appreciate it at times (though I suspect it is because she says that she has the same issue) but my next advisor may not find it so amusing, helpful, or acceptable. I need to find a nice middle ground here as well. So, maybe if I take to blogging more I can get all of the random thoughts in my head out there without forcing those around me to listen to me all the time :)

Suggestions?

Back again. Again.

So, I have been meaning to start writing again and I am hoping to keep this up. Only time will tell. So for those of you (my 2 readers) who don't know I moved about a month ago. Yes, I know. Again. I figured out that I have moved an average of once a year for the last 5 years. I have to say that I am getting really tired of moving. I will say that most of my moves have been initiated because of roommate changes. So, this time I am living alone. I think that as I get older I just need to have my own space. I have never lived alone and I must say I love it. I am so happy to finally have my own space and I love my new apartment. That said, I hate moving. It is such a pain in the ass. I am still trying to unpack and it is certainly slow going.

I am starting to hit panic mode with lab. I have quite a bit of research to do before the summer. I am trying really hard to finish up by May 2012. I feel like I am so close but still so far. I am a little scared at finishing up here and moving somewhere new, a new city and a new lab. The "real world" is rapidly approaching and it is a little daunting. I am excited too but I am also scared.

As far as the weight loss is going, I am still going. I have lost 39.4 lbs in 7.5 months. It is not a great record of loss but I need to remind myself that 40 lbs is a significant amount of weight. I have also never stuck with a plan like this for so long. I am feeling confident that I can keep moving forward and I am trying really hard to stay positive and stay motivated. Unfortunately it has been a very stressful couple of months and I have succumbed to stress eating. However, I have not used that as an excuse to completely give up. I continue to lose at least a little weight every week and I feel like soon I will ramp back up to tracking all the time and getting an exercise plan in place.

So, stay tuned.